The Pressure To Perform ~ the problem with e.d. being a problem

Let me just start out by saying I can’t even stand the term erectile disfunction. It’s so full of unnecessary shame and convolutes the facts. The fact is that sometimes your dick doesn’t get hard when you are turned on. Why is this a disfunction? Is the function of your cock to get hard, or to feel pleasure? If you’re feeling pleasure, does it matter that your dick isn’t getting hard? For most men yes, it does matter. It matters a lot. I would like to argue that the dysfunction isn’t happening in your pants it’s happening in your mind and how you view your sexuality. Let’s discuss…


At every point in my career men have confided in me a personal issue. As a provider You hear it often, “…it doesn’t work like it used to… he doesn’t always cooperate…that’s the problem with getting old.” To this my response would always be, “ Why is it a problem? Does what I’m doing feel good?” The answer would always be, ‘Yes!’, but for him, the “problem” remained; He is in a room, naked, with a beautiful woman and what is “supposed” to happen is he is supposed to rail her mercilessly, while her pussy writhes with the pleasure of his unyielding erection, until he comes to an explosive crescendo, filling her with his virulent seed and only when that happens do we know, conclusively… were done doing the sex.


I have to ask myself, who wrote this script and are we actually having a good time playing it out over and over again? Don’t get me wrong, I love getting bent over and plowed as much as the next girl but is that all there is? We act out this general scene because this is the script we’re fed from day one. The role of a “real man” is all wrapped up in this dominant, unforgiving imagery. Think about it, from the time you were a little boy you learned that in order to have success, respect and happiness you need to be dominant and in control. As an adult, you are performing this role day in and day out, with your co-workers, your family, with strangers you meet and especially as a lover. Society places many ridiculous expectations on the individual and this is one of them. I believe, realistically, you are not supposed to always be in control. You are not supposed to always be making decisions, exacting your will or knowing the answer. The strongest person in the world has moments of personal exhaustion where they are drained, depleted, and in desperate need of rest and recharge; when they just want to hand the reins over to someone else, lay back and be taken care of. Your role as a lover is no exception to this reality. You can’t always be the one taking charge in the bedroom! You need to be able to experience pleasure by receiving as well. The problem is there is no room in societies model of male sexuality for a dignified, straight, male to be on the receiving end of sex. But that’s where I come into play.


In my decade of experience I’ve debunked a lot of assumptions about human sexuality. For one, the assumption that e.d. only happens to older men who are over the hill, past their prime. For one thing, there is no ‘over the hill’ or ‘prime’ to be past. You will be a sexual being until the day you die. Period. Secondly, men of all ages have trouble maintaining erections. That’s correct, you weren’t the only one who inexplicably couldn’t keep it hard for a period of days, months or years in your 20’s. It’s actually incredibly common. When I was doing exclusively sensual massage (or rub & tug as it is affectionately called) I would get all sorts of men who would come to see me because they didn’t have to worry about “performing”. Quite plainly, they weren’t allowed. Their job was to lie there and receive a full body titty massage and a nice smooth, long, drawn out hand job and bask in the ecstasy of an orgasm that that required no cardio and no erection. Even if they guy was super hard the whole time, the beauty of a sensual massage is it removed the option to perform. The result was so many of these guys realizing how they had never really experienced a full body, sensual orgasm with out having to “fuck” someone. The most common reaction was, “That was better than most sex I’ve had!” (Sweetheart…we definitely just had sex!)


Another assumption about sex is that if there isn’t vaginal penetration then sex didn’t happen. It still surprises me when a man that I restrain to the bed (in a sexy way!) slowly cock tease, smother between my thighs, deep throat and finger fuck, then has a body shuddering orgasm and then as we cool down and begin to warm back up asks me if there’s a condom cause we haven’t actually had sex yet. What exactly were we doing if we weren’t having sex? Of course, I take no offense to this. I take these comments as evidence of societal expectations he assumes I have that he must “achieve the goal” in order to fulfill his role. Honey, the big, beautiful puddle of pleasure we just created should be fulfilling enough! But I get it! Sinking a raging boner into a nice wet, warm pussy is an absolutely wonderful feeling. But just because filet mignon is mouth watering doesn’t mean its the only good food to be had. Plus, if it’s the only thing you’ve eaten in the past few decades then I don’t think it’s crazy to suggest trying a different menu. Any maybe the pressure of producing a slab of filet mignon at every meal has got you down! What I’m trying to say is, this narrow view of male sexuality has pigeon holed most guys in. The constant pressure to perform has severely limited your potential for pleasure.


So, now what? Well, it’s like I said in the beginning. Your body is not made to perform constantly. The pressure to perform builds and builds until the foundations crack and your dick shuts down and says, ‘no more’. This is your body telling you it’s time to recharge. Maybe it’s time you spent some time with a woman who doesn’t need an erection to make you feel validated, satiated and desired. Maybe it would do you some good to seek out a guide who can help you experience pleasure in a whole new way. There are so many different ways to create a full body sensual experience. Your body is actually a deep well of erotic potential. I have brought countless men to brain busting orgasms with out even touching their cocks. (Although I am quite fond of touching cocks!) Each person is different and I know when they come to me they are ready to try something new. They know in their bones what they want even if they can’t verbalize it. It’s my job to follow the map their body leaves for me that leads to their deepest desires.


I encourage you to #followme and keep reading as I will be posting more in depth writing on #sex and #pleasure. Those that I enjoy, both giving and receiving and the journey of discovering them.


Next week, Prostate Orgasms Will Change Your Fucking Life